Hitting can hurt” or “Do it softly (or gently), like this.”
#EARLY STRATEGY FOR SMASHING FOUR HOW TO#
The differences between a kiss and a bite, between patting and hitting, between nudging and pushing someone down are not automatically understood and children need many reminders: such as, “Let me show you how to pat the baby (or the family dog or Daddy’s cheek)” “Patting feels nice. Young children, particularly those under 3½, scarcely know their own strength. It will take time and many reminders before he can understand that not hitting or biting applies to many situations. Conversely, when praised for being gentle with another, he knows and is pleased that he is approved of for that behavior at that moment. What the toddler understands is not that he has hurt someone or destroyed something but that he has earned the disapproval of his parents. They believe this is so because when he is scolded, he looks ashamed. Parents sometimes tell me about their toddler who "knows better” than to hit or bite. When your 15-month-old smashes a fragile object, he is caught up in the pleasure of assertiveness, not anticipating its result. Even then, he does not know enough about cause and effect to understand the consequences of his action or how to regulate this behavior toward others. We do not usually talk about a child’s being cruel or hostile toward others until some time during the second year. It is only in the second year, when the child develops a better awareness of his separateness as a person-of “me” and “you"-that he can begin to understand that he is angry at someone and behave with intentional force. But the 9-month old who pulls your hair does not know that it might hurt-it is done in the same exuberant, playful spirit that is seen in other activities. Aggression Is Part of Healthy Developmentĭuring the first year, infants are not often thought of as behaving aggressively, and yet encounters in which an infant pushes, pulls, or exerts force against another are signs of the outwardly directed energy and assertiveness that reflect the healthy maturation of aggression. In the course of healthy development, these drives are normally expressed in various behaviors at different ages and, with assistance from parents and others, are gradually brought under the control of the individual-moderated, channeled, and regulated, but by no means stamped out. A child’s learning to find a healthy balance between too much and too little aggressive behavior is probably the most difficult task of growing up.Īccording to developmental theory, aggressive impulses or drives are born in the human child and are a crucial aspect of the psychological life-force and of survival. We hope that they will not start fights but if attacked will be able to cope with the attacker and not be overwhelmed.
Most of us want our children to be able to take a stand for themselves when others treat them roughly. After all, aggression is associated with both approved and disapproved behavior in our minds and in our society-both with the energy and purpose that help us to actively master the challenges of life and with hurtful actions and destructive forces.
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